We walk on water too...

Casting Crown's Voice of Truth brought this 2 year old post to mind yesterday. Here are some key lyrics...

~~~But the Voice of truth tells me a different story

the Voice of truth says "do not be afraid!"

and the Voice of truth says "this is for My glory"

Out of all the voices calling out to me

I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of truth...~~~

I envied Peter. He knew the feel of sliding liquid beneath his feet, instead of firm ground, and still...he walked. The whole experience so foreign, so unforgettable. Think about it for a moment. The boat, a place he'd lived his whole life, feeling more at home on it than Matthew or John would have. The wind, an element never to be underestimated. Jesus, the one foretold since the beginning of time, his teacher and friend. And let's not forget his mouth which got him out of the boat in the first place. Remember what he said, "Lord if it is you..." And there it is...Even before getting out of the boat, Peter has questions, but he questions WITH hope.

Not too long ago I was looking back, not always a bad thing, remembering what it felt like when I dwelt with the Lord during painful times. I kinda' camped out in his grace, saw by the light of his mercy, and moment by moment was made mindful of the "hope of his calling". He tells us through Jeremiah, "I know the plans that I have for you, plans for good not evil, to give you a future and a hope." More than any other verse, I held on to that one in particular.

The past couple of years, I've had a sorta reprieve from chaos. The rain dissipated and the gardens of my life had a chance to grow in sunlight, the tears I had cried, full of the nourishing Word of God, fell on my parched soul, allowing the Lord to produce certain fruits in my life.

But there is something bittersweet about the time before the sun. A time when I saw only clouds of sorrow hovering over the horizon; when I trusted that the sun was still there, while embracing the storms. Looking back, I struggled for words to describe what it felt like being with the Lord, depending on him for my EVERYTHING.

At first the word 'floating' came to mind...but that was too easy a description for what I felt, what I went through. Carry? Not that either. I didn't feel carried, though I felt upheld. I felt...steadied. I felt the lion's breath, but not his teeth; the heat from the fire, but not the flame; the water, but not the waves. In a very real sense to me, I realized with surprise, it felt like I had walked on water with Christ. I walked with faith and, amazingly, there were times I didn't sink. But when the doubts began to overwhelm me and I faltered, the wind picked up and the waves rose up against me, I called out, just as Peter had, and He upheld me by his righteous right hand and guided me to a 'safe harbor' (Psalm 107).

But now, it seems, I've been too long on shore. My feet have gotten dry and I've begun to long for the salty air of ocean breezes and the constant dependency upon my Savior, who is closer than a brother. I've seen the warning signs from the harbor, the storms are returning. But this time, it's different. This time I remember...we do not walk so well with God in gardens anymore; so He takes us out into deep waters, that we may know our feet are made of clay. But God, who delights to do the impossible, has caused me to walk on water before, and by his strength, I look forward to meeting him out there again. Out beyond the 'safe harbor', out where faith changes the very nature of the elements as God transforms their effects on the very soul.

To God be the Glory, great things he has done and is doing...in all our lives!

This Christmas...

There's something 'off' about this Christmas. There's a general calm about it, for me. Almost like it's moving in slow motion and I'm taking pictures or video clips of moments before they pass by. I do that sometimes. Like when Arowyn was born and her first few years, EVERYONE said how fast it all flies by, and it does ;). So along with a camera fused to my fingers(I took pictures in the GROCERY store of all places) I took hold of moments, I felt the very air around me and cemented the sights, touch, smells, emotions like a cast in my senses.

For example, I can revisit my first Mother's day and it's like I'm reliving a certain moment when I was rocking Arowyn in my arms (one of the only times she let me snuggle her till she was almost 2) singing "Hush my Dear". I feel the weight of her little body in my arms. Such a big baby for us! I see the slant of the late afternoon light filtering through to our little one bedroom apartment living room. I feel the alternating cool, warm air of spring moving in from outside as I open the screened porch, both airs pulling for dominance. But either way, I'm warm, Arowyn is my little heater. I hear cars and birds and the quiet of peaceful. I remember my world until then, all the wrongness and ugliness that had been a part of our lives for so long, it's distant now. So much so that it blurs and and my new reality is birthed.

But back then that moment grabbing, memory imprinting impulse was more inward. A result of the intent of my heart. This reminder I write of seems to be coming from outside me...it's the same feeling you get when reading through the comments on facebook and a message fades in that someone commented on something you commented on too. You regard while continuing on with what you were focused on originally. Just so, I've felt this gentle cautionary note fade into my thoughts to remember, that next Christmas is not a 'given'.

The fact is there are "lasts" for everyone and I don't mean to be morbid or strange and I really have no idea what, but the thought that has stayed with me seems almost like a promise that next year will not "look" like this one. Let me be clear...I don't feel impending doom. (I don't believe, as true followers of Christ, we can align ourselves with doomsday theorist, ie end of the world in 2012.) Only change. Drastic change. Today was the first time I understood the impression I've been under the last few months. Looking back, I can't help but wonder if this ambiguous feeling was what prompted me to meet my biological father. The impression that this was a final opportunity...this was it, if ever it was to be. I thought it had only to do with him...but the impression has not ceased since then, it's increased.

Whatever does that mean??? Perhaps nothing...Perhaps I'm entering into a phase in my Christian faith where the truest reality of all is becoming a closer reality to me. Though dying, we are eternal, this world is passing away, I am a new Creation in Christ. What have I done this Christmas of ETERNAL VALUE. And though there is no condemnation I'm under, and this has been a blessed season of merriment and cheer, there seems to be a turning in my heart towards the heaven, like a glance that has become a gaze.

Anyway, just musing aloud...on 'paper' ;)
Merry Christmas Everyone...for a Merry Christmas it has been!