For the Christian Woman who, like me, WANTS to read "50 Shades of Grey"

God desires me to be genuine, authentic, REAL about my faith…so here goes… The truth:

I WANT to read 50 Shades of Grey...I want to read it so badly I cried...actually cried.

For those of you who read that and say, “What? Cried? Really?”  I say, “Yes. REALLY. CRIED.” And I rejoice for you that you have no idea, reason or reckoning that something like this book could bring this Austen/Shakespeare loving, Mommy to two beautiful little girls, Jesus Girl to actually cry out to God and tell Him honestly, “I want a reason to give in…to feel good, entitled even, about this teensy weensy indulgent read.”

You see, for ALL of my teenage years I didn’t just read trashy romance novels….I ABSORBED them. How did it start? My mother, who finds no enjoyment in anything fiction and was at one time an ad vide nonfiction reader on just about any topic…was given a book by a friend who raved about this book. It had the most beautiful princess in a light blue gown laying in the lap of a handsome man on the bank of cliffs somewhere oversees. I was maybe 9 and I was dusting behind the couch and it was a forgotten book on the bottom shelf. 

Sin finds a match to our hearts...know that for your children…and I surely met mine.

I found this book, and subsequently other like books, gave an easy, instant fix to heart cries I didn’t even know I had. To be wanted, to be “loved”, to be needed, to be desirable, to be held with regard…for someone to go to the greatest heights and depths for me…uh, I mean…for the beautiful damsel. It was tantalizing, sensationally, and for a moment in time…satisfying even.

 Now, I was not popular in school…at all really…but I fit in okay with the drama crowd and was even accomplished enough to get some star leads and the Principle’s Medallion for the Dramatic Arts my senior year in High School, a time when it was all about ME. Even so, I do remember this…the most popular, beautiful, intelligent (our junior year she won some huge award for some national test beating out people statewide –academics was not my strong suit so I have no idea what the test was J) THIS girl, who could herself have been on any one of those covers, traded these books…with me.

Back then, I just thought it a neat thing we shared…now I realize…trashy romance novels are not just for the “poor, obscure, plain and little”…they are for those who desperately want to FEEL loved…even if it’s sex based, even if it’s twisted. And a virgin can be counted before God just as promiscuous as a seasoned cheerleader hiding an abortion from her father.

Reading, for women, makes the emotional connection, that easy "fix". But it doesn’t last…and you want to read more of the same, and most often racier things…But then, if you’ve battled this…you know that already.

So…what happened with me now? Why am I at peace, writing about this…knowing that, for now, the battle has been waged and won…I no longer have that persistent nagging and secret desire to read it. But how? How is it I don't have that dread of coming across yet another well-meaning Christian on facebook ~from beloved John Piper and Kirk Cameron, to well-known and celebrated Jesus Girls getting on the “Why 50 Shades of Grey is bad” ban wagon that has actually brought this struggle to the forefront, instead of being a distant memory of a sin I once indulged. Which, frankly, is not a bad thing…and they have lots of accurate things to say about why it is just plain wrong from lots of angles. So if you want to find out the “why it’s bad” go there…I agree TOTALLY…while STILL wanting desperately to read it!~

AND I would love to say it’s because I know my Lord better now than I did when I was a teen, and THANK YOU LORD, that is true, I do know You more, I’ve walked WITH YOU and you have testified to my heart of your faithfulness, over and over and over in so many ways I want to weep for the reality that YOU SEE ME and you have done and are doing on my behalf…but...that’s not it.

And I’d love to say I used lots of scripture and ‘cast out the demon’ so to speak…and yes, I did a lot of  reminding myself of His words, and promises in scripture that are there for ALL in Christ. Reminding myself that he has “satisfied my longing soul” before…but no that didn't quench the want to.

And I’d like to say I’m in such a better place than I was when I was a teen…that I don’t have feelings of littleness, or obscurity…And though my girls are a sweet reminder of God’s love and blessing, the fact is life is REALLY hard right now, and I’m suck in the middle of a place I once dismissed as far away as China…In fact...in many ways I’m more lonely that I’ve ever been…so no… that’s not it either.

You want to know what broke the pull, the yearning, the wanting…being real with God…I finally, FINALLY did what He tells us to do when we are caught in something we don’t see the way out of and sometimes don’t want a way out of…”IF you confess your sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and CLEANS US from all unrighteousness!”  Those aren’t just words on a paper…every word of that promise is a pact sent from the heart of our Creator to our broken souls longing for something to fill in what ONLY HE was meant to fill…

For the weeks that this struggle has been I said a few broken sentences born of frustration…words that  amounted to something like: I WANT to read this dumb book more than I want YOU and it doesn’t help that everywhere I am…there is something reminding me of what I want more than YOU!

 

And there is was…the REAL sin.

You know Jonah?

Big fish, bleached skin, Nineveh spared…yeah him.

Some say he never repented…But there are those who think the Book of Jonah IS his repentance. Repentance does not always say the same thing, “Dear Lord, I’m sorry I’m such a sinner and I’ve done this deed.” The heart is not always so coherent, nor the tongue so eloquent.

Often…It is the heart of surrender under the weight of something we CAN’T fight that the Lord honors and rushes in to cover, to rescue and to restore. That we may know where our strength comes from and say with glad, thankful hearts words from the Psalmist, “My strength comes from the Lord, Maker of heaven and earth!”

Not a review: "How the Irish Saved Civilization" and the Great Lie

Just finished reading "How the Irish Saved Civilization: The Untold Story of Ireland's Heroic Role from the Fall of  Rome to the Rise of Medieval Europe" by Thomas Cahill.

So many things I want to say about it.

First, I loved it! Cahill is an excellent writer and clearly showcased the fact that God made Ireland a lighthouse during a very dark time in history. He did it in such a way I was hardly aware I was doing research or reading history (which was once my worst subject!...I mean really, why learn about dead people and their lives...they are dead...so was my darkened perspective in school.) I think I also loved this book because of the way it's written. It's history with story. Not fictional, though Cahill includes some of that, but he includes poetry and fun facts! He writes with eloquence, humor, passion and an idea of objectivity which was as refreshing as it was ignoble.

Need to mention, during the first chapter, I almost put the book down on several occasions because he was so very anti-English and I couldn't discern at times if it was because he's of Irish decent OR if it's more of a Catholic/Protestant thing. Then he started quoting people like C.S.LEWIS and G.K.CHESTERTON and several times, through various quotes of persons or scripture, Thomas shares the true Gospel...Salvation by grace through faith.

Unfortunately though, it is as I suspected, though exposed to the truth, Cahill does not know it. This may put his book in question, and normally I'd concur; however, I don't believe that to be the case and my reasoning follows...

The historical time period of which Thomas Cahill is writing is a kind of "in between" world. There was only one church. There wasn't Catholic or Protestant...just Christianity. Some in the church knew the truth, some did not. Many would say it is that way today still (I will address that shortly). Cahill is able to tell the story without bias or religious prejudices as it was a time prior to the Reformation and even though the Roman Church played a very small part (if any) in Patrick's mission in Ireland...it's still there by association. Any which way you slice it, Patrick was still a monk of the existing church of the day, at least for a time.  So, Patrick's testimony in his Confession is interpreted not in light of his words (at least in modern time) rather in light of his appointment in the church and good works as a missionary to Ireland.

This brings me to the "Great Lie". Time and again, I came across convincing clues, ideas, quotes and thoughts that led me to hope the writer, Thomas Cahill, might actually KNOW the truth of Salvation. Titus 3:5. But it was just that...hope and wish. In the end, he clearly defends the Catholic perspective of good works, not as a product/proof of salvation, rather as a needful co-existence with the work of Christ. This is vital to understand the difference. When a Catholic says, "I trust Christ as my Savior" that's not the end of the conversation! That just makes the Believer, listening for the "buzz" words, more comfortable! I've done it too! HOW SELFISH ARE WE!

I have so many friends who say, "I know someone who is saved in the Catholic church and then look at me like I'm the one who should be called into question. And really, what do you say to that? I say, "Wow, if they are saved, be praying for them, because they WILL be ostracized and it doesn't take YEARS for that to happen." Everybody knows when a light is lit in a dark place...Those who want it there...those who don't.

I JUST met a woman working out at the gym who got saved and was ostracized by her Catholic Church and had to leave...I did not solicit this info, she just started giving her testimony on how she was born again and the happenings there. (I think she was trying to witness to me because I said "I'm not Baptist...though we are going to a Baptist Church"! God has a sense of humor!) Too, growing up, I knew a woman who was asked to leave the church and directed to a Protestant church, where, given her questions, "she'd be more comfortable". Not only that, my husband, my Aunt Catherine and a couple other relations I know were once Catholic too...There was a reason for the Reformation!!! The Catholic Church has not changed...we have. How that saddens the soul...

Now, please understand, I'm not saying Protestant is synonymous with salvation!! Oh my word, no! But what I am saying is that saying "A lot of Catholics are saved" is like saying a lot of Muslims are saved. Because a lie is a lie is a lie, no matter how pretty that lie is, or how close or far from the truth is strays...it's still a lie...and in that there is hope...hope that we can share the truth of the Gospel...that when Christ said, "It is finished!" he meant it! That the good works that believers do, aren't for our salvation, but for our Christ who gave himself for us that we might live for him.

So, read "How the Irish Saved Civilization" while reading the Gospels of how Christ saves sinners! I pray, as offensive as this post is (Didn't Christ promise it would be offensive), it will nettle those who disagree to seek THE Way, THE Truth, and THE Life for themselves...and that God will grant faith, wisdom and understanding as we draw close to him. Amen.