Clarification on May '09 post: "Can Christians Like Twilight"

Not at all, Indie Preacher! Thank you and I welcome the opportunity to clarify.

I'm not saying the book's author has a believer's view in mind (Christ's life, death and resurrection the basis of my eternal salvation and daily surrender.) In fact, I highly doubt it. The idea that he, Edward (they) is 'good' prevails throughout the series and thus he is redeemed/redeemable. Which is not truth: Eph. 2:8 "For by grace we are saved through faith, not of yourselves, it is a gift of God not of works lest anyone should boast."

I meant only to draw attention to what I, coming from a redeemed perspective, enjoyed being reminded of by the Holy Spirit. As in all "worthy" literature (and I use the word worthy loosely here~ Myers is no Austen) there must be defining elements of truth. Love, justice, mercy, right, wrong, good prevails, evil is subdued (at least, etc.) There is, in my opinion, a healthy balance of these in the story to make the series a worthy read.

Concerning the comparison between Edward and Christ, I fall back on the verse, "If you (Myers) being evil know how to give good gifts...how much more your Heavenly Father." Bare with me~ In Myer's words I caught a glimpse which, once I saw it, became more and more clear, of a love so perfect, so pure, so NOT LIKE ME that I immediately compared him to my only point of reference: the One who has loved me more than His own life! I can't help but stand amazed and say "Wow! And my God's love for me is ever so much more than I will ever fully know"

People are looking, searching for that kind of love. I saw it in that woman's eyes, I heard the longing in her voice. And no, in and of itself, the series does not point to Christ but WE can, as we have opportunity. Isn't that what parables are for? Taking what the unbeliever is familiar with and turn it so that they too catch a glimpse of the most perfect Hero ever and to be able to say, "He's real and he can be yours and you can be his FOREVER!"

I recently read a cute Christian novel. It was a silly book even though the plan of salvation was clearly written in the lines (though she was clearly writing to a Christian market). Understand me...God was more magnified TO ME in the Twilight series than in that bit of fluff.

I'll close with this. I know two people who read C. S. Lewis' Chronicles of Narnia as unbelievers. The first was my husband as a preteen, the second was a good friend I worked with. BOTH had/have no idea that Aslan's sacrifice on behalf of Edmund was a parallel to Christ's sacrifice for us. My husband became a believer later and THEN connected the two. But with my friend I was able to tell her the significance and hopefully the Lord will use that as a seed in her heart. Lewis himself, in explaining his use of fiction said (and I'm paraphrasing from memory) when they (his readers) do hear the gospel there is something of the familiar (having read his stories) that resonates within that unredeemed heart to draw the person closer to accepting the truth they might otherwise have rejected. He uses his own conversion and a Christian author he esteemed prior to becoming a believer as his guideline~(George MacDonald??~although I thought there was a 'w' in his name...memory going) .

I know, in my own life, that goes the other way around too. An unbelieving author CAN, unknown to him/her, reveal something of the goodness/truth of God because the fact is they live and breath by His renewed mercies every morning. Whether they realize it or not is not relevant. There are several uses of secular literature in the book of Acts and Paul's writing but a perfect example is demonstrated by Christ himself as he stopped Saul on the way to Tarsus. Christ quoted a notable work still studied today (I know because I had to read it! LOL!) which Saul, being the cultured Jewish Roman, would have recognized "Saul, Saul, why persecutest thou me? It is hard for you to kick against the pricks." The phrase “kick against the pricks” is spoken by Aeschylus (525–456 b.c.; Agamemnon, line 1624) For more examples google: The Christian and Secular Literature | Miscellaneous Articles ...

Thanks for the thoughts...and again, the opportunity to clarify AND the gracious way you brought it up!

{BTW~ if you've only seen the movie...I'm sorry. It was AWFUL, overacted and they cut much of what was good and substituted things to move the script along. (Also if you are interested in reading the series, Myer's writing skills morphs between books 2 and 3 so 3 and 4 are much better/ a lot of the touchie/feelie teenager stuff falls away, making them better suited to young adults rather than teens...which is what her initial audience grew into by the time the last two books came out. I am, as of yet, an unpublished writer and she turned out to be a good study for action and, for the most part, appropriate attraction tension between the hero/heroine on the written page, both of which I needed to mature as a would be writer}

My Book

I've hit a writer's block. You know, I didn't realize that what was going on until just now~ a writer's block. It is so funny that that's how my brain works. It's like I bond with the written letters/words as they are leaving me...weird. I really wish sometimes I could be like Rick...He bonds with the spoken word. It's a marvel to watch it happen. Anyway~ back to my book. I have to, have to, HAVE to write a synopsis. And it's been like pulling teeth. I started, I got 3 single spaced pages done and realized I was only on about chapter 5 or 6. NOT TOO GOOD...especially when agents want, at most, 3-5 pages on the whole book. One agent wants only ONE page!

I'm overwhelmed and quite frankly...I'm ready to move on to the other book. Which is a problem in and of itself. Of the 5-8 rejections I've gotten from agents the ones that chose to say something at all, all commented on my talent/ability as a writer. Not one mentioned the storyline. That it a problem from so many angles. I know my worth as a writer. I'm not Jamie Langston Turner (who is~ except for her?) but I know I'm good enough to publish. I also am a fairly good judge of story and plot and characters...and yes, I would say my manuscript is a decent first novel. I anticipate the next will be better and so on. It's like they aren't interested or think they know all they need to know or want to know about Dinah's family (I previously wrote 'Dana'~ I was downloading pictures to Dana when I was typing this)
Anyway...How do I fight that? And after them, if someone does take it up...what about the American public??? My book is not scintillating like the "Red Tent" which had so many perverse scenes that Playboy wouldn't have been able to do a picture book on it...a 'legal' one that is. (Laban and goats...and that's all I need to say about that). Anyway...a synopsis will be good. It will show how different and amazing this tale is and hopefully show the potential for a good book so that agents will want to READ it!

That said...I do have an agent who said she'd like to represent me...but, as I understand it, she doesn't do much with Christian Publishers and although she's been in the editing business for a long time...she just started as an agent and has only published one book. She heads up my writer's group (which I haven't been to for a couple of months due to the first trimester issues and then...life just got really busy) But I wonder if she offered because I read the first 3 chapters aloud with my own voice and conveyed understanding behind it or because she, unlike the other agents has no preconceived notions about one of the most notable and dysfunctional patriarchal families.

Frankly, I portray Rachel as a shrew and although I don't specifically say anything in the book...she dies unredeemed, the last of her recorded words from the bible, as her legacy...That is an unorthodoxed view of Jacob's beloved wife at best...at worst, it could seem rather heretical. But think about it...We do not have two moons in our sky. Leah is the known mother of Israel. Rachel's memory is cloaked in tears and sorrow. And, as we all know, even Christ's love isn't enough to redeem someone if they don't want redemption. (Well...I don't know that I believe that last line...Sovereignty of God and all)

On a more humorous note: The first agent I chose to send my query to...her first name was Rachel, doubtlessly named for said biblical character...I think people don't even read the Bible anymore. They just pick a name they like the sound of and dress it up by saying "it's in the bible". Like Levi~ Do you know who came out of Levi? Not withstanding God's perfect providence in Israel's rejection of Christ, BUT It's not a blessing to be named after the tribe that is the leading source of rejecting the Prophets and Messiah! Think about it!!! And Simeon! You might as well call your kid Judas or Hitler! But roses and all...what's in a name, right?

Anyway...I think I'm ready to begin. Blood flowing, fingers working, maybe the next post should be my Synopsis. Just to get it out there. We'll see.

One Of Those Days...

{I know the 'o' in 'of' from the title is supposed to be lowercase...but it looked a little sad, so I let it be big.}

Today was one of those days...the weather was so perfect, I didn't feel it. When I woke up, I was awake. Went to bible study and then played soccer and catch with Arowyn. Took a walk to get a rainbow icee with her. We came home and did a rainbow Carebear puzzle together. And all day, whenever I heard her laugh I wondered if my other daughter could hear it too and thought, "Lucky her" if she did.

Thanks, Lord...for one of those days.

My Sister-in-Christ

I don't remember how we met. That's unusual for me because I like, or I need, to take mental pictures of meetings...well, more like short video clips. It must have been at church and I must not have thought too much about it, insecurities have tell-tale signs even in our memories. Either way, my misgivings must have inched down as I have clips thereafter. Sunday School outings, a Denny's lunch, my first camping trip...you and your husband brought the biggest tent I'd ever seen; my husband and I brought the smallest...Everyone poked fun at both.

I knew of your desire for a child, but I wanted one too, so we were on equal, neutral ground. My interest in your life began when you miscarried your first child. How sad I thought, to be given and to have taken away that which you so desired. I began to pray for you, unknown, just as I did my own heart's desires. But even though our Sunday School class seemed to be having a baby marathon, we remained childless.

And so it happened that two such dissimilar individuals spent a few quiet moments on a docked boat one sunny afternoon away from the baby talk and scurrying mothers up at the big house. Mainly talking and laughing about the freaks we had to work with, at different times, at Ethan Allen, about our husbands, about our futures...but not about children. You were laying down on the boat bench and your dark hair must have been pulled back, and my mouth dropped open as I said, "I never saw it before but you look exactly like Nichole Kidman!" It made you laugh and you said something about your husband thinking that too. It was one of the few times, maybe the only time, we talked.

I liked you, though. Finding, what many ~I too in the beginning~ thought was an aloof personality, you were a rarity among Americans. We are inundated by Disney with cartoon princesses...but when someone comes among us with a regal bearing...well, she must think she's better than us or other such nonsense. The times I was able to get to know you, I found you genuine and warm, garbed with a superior sense of style and dignity. When I let myself stop feeling inferior, you never made me feel anything other than that we were sisters in Christ. Our husbands, however, seem to have a love/hate relationship from the first, very similar and yet quite different. Competitive games were out of the question.

Though I don't remember the first time I met you, I took note of the last time. I think I knew it was the last time. We were standing in the middle of Wal-Mart parking lot putting away our carts. We each had a child in our own cars, separated by only a few months. You had a boy, I a girl. You positively glowed; I'm sure I did too. We loved being mothers. "What a gift!" There wasn't much more to say after that. Having each moved on to different churches, for similar reasons, we exchanged numbers with promises of us all getting together. I'm sure we didn't hug, though I remember it seemed like we should or we might. I didn't like hugs...I'm trying to get over it.

I remember getting into the car, my daughter in her infant seat, having two distinct thoughts in mind. One, how happy I was to see you and to know of your blessing and two, that I would never call and likely, neither would you. For my part, we lived in a one bedroom apartment with the living room cleverly divided by my husband into nursery and living space while you drove back to your castle in Thorneblade. The insensitive words your husband had 'shared' with mine came tripping out, over my mind. No, I knew our path had gone as far as it would go.

Three years have past since that day. Rick called your husband about a month ago. Did you know? It was a business call, but still they talked about us, about our children, general stuff you'd share with strangers. I didn't think too much about you beyond a general smile of goodwill when Rick said you were doing fine, your son growing, four years old now.

What happened?
When did you let yourself forget who God is?
When did you begin to believe the lies your mind was telling your heart?
When did darkness become your guiding light?

The past few days, every time I've hugged Arowyn, I've notice I clutch her twice. I think it's once for us, and a second time for the child that now lives outside the realm of a mother's embrace. I don't ask that God have mercy on your soul...What he has promised, he will do and He remains faithful even when we are not. I ask instead that He have great mercy on your memory, the last one you have chosen to leave behind with your family and friends.

As for me, the interest that I'd had in your life so long ago has been renewed, solidified even, by your death. My prayers will ever be with your child as they are with my own. Such is the privilege and responsibility you have left to the care of others, the Body of Christ. Til we meet again, I will not forget my pledge.

Thanks Melinda~

Hey Mel, was going to comment on your comments...but it got too long, so thought I'd just put down another post and have done with it. Thanks for opening it up, cause I didn't know how to get back into it.

Thanks Melinda for your comments. The previous post was really frustrating because it wasn't supposed to be about my 'one time' lie, but about something beyond that. Am I a truthful person? Just because I don't tell lies as a code of conduct doesn't automatically mean I'm a genuine person. Am I the real article or am I in "Pretend" mode. Which is a place I think most of 'fundie' Christians are stuck in bondage because they, we, don't even realize we go around pretending. I think the unrealized guilt of said pretense has followed me for about 20 years. Example: I go in stores and paranoia sets in.

It's gotten worse over the last few years. "They're" watching me. "They" think I'm going to steal something. (Don't call the funny farm yet!)Because of the episode at my yard sale I was a bit stunned that I fell in an area I feel so confident and competent in. It made me evaluate what was going on. Back to the store. I'd feel self-righteous rage set in. How dare they make me feel this way! I'm a paying customer. I don't deserve to feel like a criminal! {funny aside- during this evaluating period I was looking at vitamins for Arowyn at Target and a tall hillbilly looking girl with baggie overalls came on the same aisle. I've never seen someone steal something in real life...I've seen people getting chased down but not the actual action. Well, this girl looked like she was making out with the products. She brought her body right up to the shelving units. I looked at her, she looked at me and something about her said she was doing something wrong, but you know how it is, your in your own world. Well, she mosied done the aisle and out of sight. It wasn't until after moments later, I realized what she likely had done. I looked around for the camera I felt was surely following my steps all over the store, threw my hands up in the air and said aloud, "Are you kidding me!" I knew I had some serious praying/thinking to do.

During this same time, I had a dream about a particular family member (my side). As usual there was yelling, mainly this person. And this is where the whole "pretending" idea came out. In the dream, I calmly told this person, "I'm done pretending." I woke up saying those words aloud. And something unraveled inside and I felt free for the first time in so long.

I grew up in an environment that fostered "pretending" only it was played up with 'spiritualness'. "Put off the old man, put on the new" was an action to be accomplished by us. The Holy Spirit's job, basically, was to applaud when we did it well enough. So pretending and hiding and covering was so much apart of who we were. We weren't supposed to be genuine, because genuinely speaking, we knew deep inside we were screwed up...and everyone knows Christians aren't screwed up, right?

I remember my roommates at the END my Junior saying, "We don't know anything about you." I remember sharing with friends that my older brother was taken away by NJ Social Services when he was 13 and I was 11. Part of me still believes they think I was making it up...I was about 25 and up until that point, I had never shared with anyone that that had happened, not even my husband.

A book I highly recommend called "The High Cost of High Control" talks about the effect of shame on a family. Shame whether yours or others makes people retreat into hiding, pretending, bondage. And then you have to control what you let people know, see, even believe about you. What a tiring existence. What a lonely way to live. Because then, you can never really be honest with people, genuine, the real deal.

~quick explanation~ If you are a believer, the Holy Spirit is working through you to "put off the old man, and put on the new". As we cooperate with his work in our life we are becoming sanctified, even though POSITIONALLY we are sanctified in Christ. We are, in fact, the new man God has created us to be. This action is impossible through human effort and only brings disillusionment, heartache and sorrow where He means there to be victory, joy and peace.

Honestly...continued

{I've had a hard time writing part "B" of this blog and the funny thing is the difficulty arises out of the same emotion which vehicled the subject matter: fear. Fear that I'll be colored by friends and family and the occasional stranger that might happen onto this blog (I really don't know how that works) on the basis of this content. So I find I must offer a word of caution. If you do not know yourself for the actual and potential sinners that we are, don't read this. It will ruin our friendship and cover it with doubt and uncertainty, where there should be trust and loyalty.}

We need a vacuum cleaner. If you haven't shopped them in a while, let me remind you, they are EXPENSIVE!!!! So, ever the yardsalers, Rick and I began looking for one in early spring this year. We came upon one in particular. It was clean, had all the attachments, and the lady selling it was matronly with an easy smile. Does it work? Perfectly! Then why are you getting rid of it? We got a new one for the downstairs and we just don't need a 2nd like I thought we would.
Riiiiiggggghhhhttttt.

Aside: In America, vacuum cleaners are not like cars or shoes or even toothbrushes. You get rid of a vacuum cleaner when it dies. Not when there's a new model out, the outside gets scuffed up a bit or the dentist gives you a new one, toothbrush, not vacuum.

That Saturday afternoon we had an addition to our garbage pile which cost us $8. How could she smile to OUR FACES and sell us that piece of junk. In Lynchburg, as well as Greenville, SC, it's easy to slip into complacency. Believe that everyone is acting towards general peace and goodwill towards all men. It's hard when reality sets in and reminds you of the truth of what we need saving from...ourselves.

We had a yard sale in June, mere months after this incident. We put up an ad on Craigslist's and got several responses. One in particular wanted to know the type and condition of the car seat advertised. My daughter, being the legal weight and height, was using a booster seat we'd already gotten a few weeks before. She is not, however the legal age, 4. After assuring said person that, if the car seat had not been sold, I would sell it for $25 a nagging fear started bothering me. For $25 I was allowing my daughter to change prematurely to a booster seat. WHAT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS?? Images kept playing over in my mind of Arowyn going through the windshield. FEAR set in.

The next morning, the woman came earlier than expected. Actually only minutes into the sale. Not enough time to think about what I was going to say, how to explain I can't sell it to her...It seems so simple now. What's the big deal? Just tell her. Maybe she'll understand, maybe she won't. But I chose to lie.
"It's gone." I didn't even look at her.
Gone?
"Yup"
That was fast. I think she glanced around at our yard full of stuff, no missing spots of...anything.
"Um-hm"

A correct understanding of what gathering together for Sunday worship is all about is need here. It's not about a spiritual checklist, doing your duty, or racking up 'goodness' points. It's an opportunity to offer thanksgiving and worship with fellow believers from all walks of life, who collectively are acknowledging the One who has provided, delivered, and redeemed each who have called upon the name of the Lord, Jesus Christ. When someone in the Church Body willingly, knowingly has sinned and not repented they have in reality chosen their way and not the Lord's. In ministry, they defraud their brothers and sisters in Christ and though they sing like Susan Boyle and beam like the sun, they spit on God's way who alone declares "I am the way, the truth, and the life, no one comes to the Father but by me." That's more than a verse explaining the way of salvation, it's a lifeline to those who wish to worship God in Spirit and in Truth.

Being convinced of these truths, it wasn't even seconds after, likely it was as it was happening, the Holy Spirit began convicting me of my lie and continued all day long in the quiet moments. Tomorrow was, after all, Sunday. Late that night...yes it took that long...I emailed her the truth and asked her forgiveness. She responded very graciously and gave her forgiveness freely. Since then, we've begun emailing back and forth and, it seems, a friendship is forming.

Now, why am I writing all this? Shakespeare's fool said, "To thine own self be true" in other words ~ always put yourself first. I think I've confused that in my life with another line from one of his wise characters, "Know thyself."

I have chosen, for most of my life, to know myself as an honest person, placing myself higher than I ought too, to not live with or acknowledge that I am capable of all types of dishonesty, whether I engage in them or not. In the first, I have been 'true to myself', but if I dwell in the latter, I know the truth of the depravity of my soul and the imparted righteousness of Christ upon me, which cost him so much, becomes dearer to me than my own pseudo goodness.

Honestly...

Irony...sometimes it's how the Lord works the wonder in our lives. By wonder, I don't necessarily mean pleasant or fun. Sometimes it's a revealing power in our lives which shows us the dark, dirty parts of our existence and we can't help but be amazed, despite ourselves and the facades we create and, tragically, sometimes believe.

I am an honest person.
I don't know anyone more honest than I.
I believed this to the extent that my actions, if not the very bent in my thoughts have often dismissed the imparted righteousness of Christ upon my soul, as I knew, without question in this area alone, not only did I have covered, but I prevailed.

Two events, separated by one year, have caused me to evaluate said "control" and assumed victory over lying. This is not a confessional; God, in his kindness and mercy, has forgiven more than my mistake in the first event and far more than a singular lie in the second. He has forgiven the whole of who I was, I am, and have yet to become through the power of Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior of my soul. Rather, this is a reminder, if only for me, that we live in the shadows of own reality, until, drawing close to God, we find in his revealing light the truth of who we really are and who he is actually.

A year ago, days before moving into our home, I was charged with a 'hit and run'. Besides my husband, I told two friends about this event. I will not go into defense or detail other than to say I had no idea that I had hit the other car. In fact, I recalled the incident exactly to the police officer, remembering my words at the time, "How did I NOT hit that car!" At the time, I'd gone on my merry way, praising the Lord for whatever angel or cushioned air he'd placed between me and the green monster that appeared just inches outside my open, driver's side window.

But a week after this assumed, tiny miracle had occurred, and moments after the officer had gone, I was sitting on the kitchen floor, holding my two year old daughter while I cried. She said, "I get you a tissue." As though wiping away tears wipes away whatever was making me cry. When it didn't work, she asked, "Are you sad, Mommy?"

I looked at her, trying to evaluate why I was crying. "No, Honey, Mommy's not mad. I'm just-" I grapled for the right word and came up with, "confused."

If there was anything I knew about myself, I knew I would stop for an accident. One of the greatest fears I have is hitting a child with my car and yet because of this fear or in spite of it, I had settled long ago that I would stop, no matter what. The thought "What if you didn't know?" never occurred to me. Self-righteousness flared up inside me "How do you not know you hit a CAR!", "How is that even possible?" A smothering cloud of fear engulfed me. For weeks after I drove only between the hours of ten and eleven in the morning and two and three in the afternoon. It was a mistake, pure and simple, but a mistake that could have had dire consequences. {Not the least of which, I could have gone to jail...a fact I was blissfully unaware of until the officer said, "Well, I'm not going to take you jail." as though he'd weighed all the options and decided I was not a high risk for running away.}

Somehow, our car had zero damage aside from smudges which, when the police officer showed me, I licked my hand and swiped at the smudges...they disappeared before our eyes. Somehow ,the other car had three to five hundred dollars worth of damage. *sigh*

After my emotions settled and I was able to look at things a bit more objectively and 'confront' God with my "Whys?". What I came away with was so simple, but so foreign to my mind that I suppose at one point or another, I had to learn it...and in the end I realized what a kind and gentle way God chose to teach it to me. We can't control everything and sometimes we can't even control anything. 'Missing the mark' can be a state of mind as much as it can be an intent of the heart. Irrefutably I hit another person's car. Irrefutably I 'ran' on my merry way. By law, I was punishable for a crime I didn't even realize I'd commited. There's a host of theology in there.

Well, this blog is long enough. I'll pick back up on the next blog where this leaves off...My intentional, out and out, lie to another person just a couple of weeks ago, the convicting power of the Holy Spirit, the forgiveness of a fellow believer and the grace of God which covers all our sins. Christ be praised! God reigns, let the earth rejoice! Ps. (all over)