A young friend of mine just had a baby boy. Unbeknownst to her, through her pregnancy, I have made a journey of my own and have found myself victorious as I stand rejoicing with her and her husband. A thing I could not have fathomed four years ago. Let me explain…
In all probability my friend got pregnant on her honeymoon. My husband and I had invited the newly weds over for dinner and she told us with excitement and anticipation that she was expecting. All the while, there, on the coffee table between us, was a single, perfect yellow rose which had been unfolding with bittersweet beauty for about five days. It's time of beauty was peaking and the next day I would take the petals from the stem and let them float from my hand to the earth, allowing the elements to take them where ever they should go.
I bought the rose to honor the baby for whom I'd prayed, longed, and loved. For, after five long years, I had finally conceived. But God, who hears our prayers, in his wisdom, does not give and take based on a mother’s love or longing. Four years to the hour prior to the night I met my friend Anna, I began to miscarry my first child.
I remember smiling politely at the newly weds, and, by God’s grace, my congratulations didn't falter when she said her due date was May 1st, the same mine had been. Did I cry when she left…yes…did I wonder at God’s choice for her, for me…yes…Did I pull back from His plan for my life…again, by God’s grace…No. The following is an excerpt from an email I sent to a dear friend at the time. I hope it helps those who might be going through the same thing. We are certainly not alone...
This past year I came to terms with the fact that our grief/mourning is a kind of gift to our children- to all our children...
In light of the love, joy and thankfulness I have for Arowyn, I have had guilt washed thoughts as to "why am I still emotional after all this time?" I went to the Lord, and he showed me . . . if I, full of sin and selfishness, can feel this way about "your (my) little Blob" as the ultrasound technician had called him a week before I'd lost him) still after all this time, how much more does Perfect Love respond?
As odd as it may sound, it is such a comfort to still "long" for this child after all that has happened. To know that the love I have for him/her did not evaporate like a whim or get transferred like getting another kitten after losing a cat, or even pushed aside in the day to day business of life. My children, each one, are not replaceable. My own longing shows me how irreplaceable we truly are to the Lord, who alone is pure and perfect in his emotions towards us. That one coin that's lost, the lamb that goes astray . . . He LOVES us!
And in truth, my baby jumped over my embrace into the arms of Perfect Love! How can I not rejoice through tears of loss? As John says in his epistle "There is no greater joy than to know your children walk with the Lord!"
I didn't share or open up to hardly anyone at that time because, let's face it, sometimes people give comfort like a machete to a sapling, but others can give great encouragement. I pray now for you, as you have need, may the Body of Christ surround and support you. I have a wonderful collective memory of, despite my best efforts of solitude, the light of many sisters peaked through in so many ways...Know with assurance, they are the arms of Christ, ministering to your heart.
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